October
by Maruma-chan
Summary: Elements of romance, but nothing heavy. Rating based on angst. How far will one man in pain go to redeem himself and all that he lost? Will he go so far as to lose the only thing he has left?


I'm back!! Finally. Ahem. Yes. Anyways, this one's slightly different, but just as angsty, I assure you! Read on!

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October 

The thumping of wandering feet on the rough sidewalk. Long, slender legs striding toward the place mentioned in the note. An angry thought: 'Just my luck I have to deal with a rival gang _now_, of all times. They could have at least been brave enough to tell me which gang they were!'

The destination, finally. Nobody there. 'Figures. Damn cowards.'

"Come out and fight if you want to preserve the least of your dignity, you spineless wimps!"

Click.

A gun. Pointed straight at the blonde's head, at point blank range.

The brown eyed one freezes. Waits a few seconds. The attacker doesn't know it, but it's a cougar in the trap today, not a rabbit. The cougar lunges. Aims a foot right at the attacker's hand, knowing the kick will dislodge the gun.

It doesn't.

The attacker catches the foot. Lets go of it, letting it fall to the ground. Grabs hold of the left wrist, turning the prey around. They are face to face.

The victim gasps.

"You?"  
  


"Yes, me." The voice laced with bitterness and anger.

"W-why?"

The brunette can tell the blonde's been caught off guard. "No comment."

Confusion. Then understanding. A laugh. "Oh, I get it. It's all a joke. It's not loaded, is it? You're going to tell me it's all a joke, and then take me home for hot chocolate and a movie."

Ne response. Just a cold, empty, bitter stare.

"R-right?"

"Hello?"

The brunette speaks. "This is no joke."

Eyes widen. The blonde backs up against the wall, but it doesn't offer anywhere to hide.

"Come on, this isn't funny anymore."

The reply: "It never was."

"B-but…why?"

"I think you know why."

A gasp of shock. Understanding.

"I-is that what this is about?"

"You know it." The brunette moves back slightly. Facing each other, staring at each other. The gun still pointed to the blonde's chest.

A sharp intake of breath.

"Don't."

"Why not?"

"Let me count the ways." Sarcasm. Then seriousness. "This isn't the way to do it."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"Actually, I don't." The blonde can tell that the other is lying. It shows in the blue eyes, swirling darkly with hidden emotion.

"This won't bring him back."

The brunette turns away. The blonde can see tears streaking down the pale, slender face, though. A sob.

"It won't bring him back."

"I'm not trying to bring him back."

Surprise shows on the pale face, in the chocolate coloured eyes. "Then what are you trying to do? This can't be what you want. You need me just as much as I need you, and you know it. You…you need me even more now that he's gone." Overstepping the boundaries, but the blonde doesn't care.

The brunette's voice wavers, trembles with emotion. "Yes. Yes, I do need you even more. But I can't let you live. I can't."

"Why? You know I didn't want to do it. I had to, or I would have died. I'm human. I'm a weakling, a coward, I know, but I'm human. It's a natural instinct of a human being to try to stay alive. They would have killed me if I hadn't done it. I was afraid. I still am."

"…"

"What is it?"

"Why?" A pained question. The blonde is surprised, confused.

"Why what?"

"Why did you have to do it?"

More confusion. "You know why. I just told you."

Suddenly, an explosion. 

"IDIOT!!!" The blonde cringes, and when the eyes open again, the brunette can see confusion, loss and tears all swimming and fighting in them for dominance.

"That's not what I meant. I meant…why did you have to join them? Why did you have to go back to those people, love?"  
  


A sigh. The backpack emerges from the depths of shadow, and the blonde slumps to the ground. "I-I don't really know, to be honest. But when I first joined up with them, I wrote a song about it. I…needed a release, see?"

A sigh. The brunette comes to sit beside the captive. "Good."

"Good?"

"Yes, good. I need to hear your beautiful voice one more time before you go."

"But I don't want to go."

"I know," the voice whispers. "Let's hear the song, koi."

Sigh. The blonde digs in the backpack for something. A photograph. It gets handed to the other, along with two more. The first depicts the blonde, only younger, about 10 years old. It also shows a little girl, about 8. Playing in the sand, at the beach. The second shows the same girl, but older. She's at the hospital, bandages covering her eyes, lying in bed. She's considerably thinner. The third shows a gravestone covered in flowers.

The brunette gasps and murmurs, "Your sister…"

The blonde cuts the other off, and begins to sing.  The voice is rich and powerful, beautiful, but tainted with bitterness and sadness.

_'__My black backpack's stuffed with broken dreams_

  
20 bucks should get me through the week

_  
Never said a word of discontentment_

_  
Fought it a thousand times but now_

_  
I'm leaving home'_

The blonde turns. Faces the captor, who speaks, staring into the deep brown eyes. "Why did you have to leave?"

Another sigh. A response:

_'Here in the shadows_

_I'm safe_

_I'm free_

_I've nowhere else to go but_

_I cannot stay where I don't belong'_

Disbelief swirling in blue eyes. Disbelief and anger. "You can't tell me you belonged with them. You should have come to _me_, damnit! Why…" The voice quietens, defeated. "Why didn't you come to me?"

"You know I can't accept charity."

"Is… dear God… is that all it would have meant to you? Is that all _I_ meant to you?"

"Of course not. You were… everything. You were my whole universe. You still are. But I…  guess I just didn't see it then."

"But you waited so long. Didn't you realize they were bad for you? It can't have taken you two months to—"

A graceful finger covers the pink lips, silencing them. "That's not all."

"Then what is?"

_'Two months pass by and it's getting cold_

_I know I'm not lost_

_I'm just alone_

_But I won't cry_

_I won't give in_

_I can't go back now'_

"You could have come to me. I would have accepted you. I can accept almost anything you do. Anything but this."

"I know. But I could never go back. I could never come to you. You don't understand." The brown eyes acquire a dreamy, faraway look, the blonde's face lights up with joy.

"It's like waking up all over again, just like when I met you. I was…I was accepted by them. I could…do whatever I wanted, and they would only encourage me. I could be smart there, not stupid like I have to be here. Love, I was _safe_ there. As long as I did what they said, they would never hurt me. Far from it. They would have given their _lives_ to protect me. I never had that at home."

"You had it with me."

Another heavy sigh. "I know. I know I did. I wasn't thinking, I know that. But…I can't give up this life, I can't. I've lived it for far too long. It's a part of me, a part I can never get rid of."

"I was willing to help you try."

'Waking up is knowing who you really are' 

Blood. The blonde stands up slowly, reaching out to the dim shaft of sunlight reaching through the alley. Blood on the reaching hands.

 "Who-who's blood is that?" Choking on the painful words, on the even more painful unwanted, unbidden, upcoming answer.

"You know who's it is."

The brunette lunges. Tackles the blonde. Red fire burns in the icy blue eyes. Trying to strangle the bringer of all the pain.

"Damn you! Damn you! You have no right to show me that! You have no right! Damn you! Damn you…"

Suddenly the brunette collapses into the arms of the tormenter, the betrayer. Crying.

"He-he's really gone."

"I know." Soothing. Comforting.

"It hurts."  
  
"I know it does. It hurts me too."

A bitter laugh. "No it doesn't. You would have come back to me if it did. You always came to me when you were hurting."

"The reason I didn't come is the very fact that it hurt."

"Huh?"

_'Here in the shadows_

_I'm safe_

_I'm free_

_I've nowhere else to go but_

_I cannot stay here oh_

_Here in the shadows_

_I'm safe_

_I'm free_

_I've nowhere else to go but_

I cannot stay where I don't belong' 

"You…did you not think that I wanted to see you? That I _needed_ to see you?"

Sigh. "Of course I did. In fact…I was going to come to your house today."

Shock. "W-what?"

"It's true. I was going to come, because…I need you too."

"No you don't. How can you possibly need me?"

_'Show me the shadow where true meaning lies'_

"What does that mean?" Scorn.

"I don't know. I used to, but I don't anymore. But I think you do. Only you can show me. I can see it in your eyes."

"You can't see anything in my eyes. Nobody can. I'm not an open book. You usually are, but I'm not."

"I can see it." Insistent.

"How?"

'So much more is made in empty eyes' 

"I see. You presume to know me for the very reason that everybody else knows they don't."

Hurt shows in the brown eyes. Pain. "I do know you. I'm one of the only two people that do. I thought…I thought that's what everything was based on."

"It's not. It wasn't based on anything because it wasn't real."

"But I—"

"It. Wasn't. Real. Goodbye." Stands up. Points the gun at the blonde's chest.

"Please. Oh God, please."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't."

"…Could you really kill someone who was at your mercy?"

"I've done it before, I'll do it again. And besides…he was at your mercy then. I was at your mercy then. I was at your mercy, even though it didn't know it. I didn't know it. I…I WAS AT WORK, DAMNIT!!! I WAS AT WORK, AND I FIRST SAW THE NEWS IN THE GOD DAMNED PAPERS!!!!!! And you know, they were actually accurate in all their information this time. Including the part that said which gang it was. The part that said which gang _member_ it was. That's the part that hurt the most. Seeing your name. You know, I only got the call from the police about five minutes after reading that article. Asking me to identify the body. That article was on the front page, of course, or else I wouldn't have had time to read it. I wouldn't have had to know…I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO KNOW WHO HAD DONE IT!!!!!!! I wouldn't have had to lose you…"

"You still don't have to."

"I disagree. You know, you've been running ever since it happened. You've been running away from the truth. You've been running away from me. So tell me…you're on death's door. Are you going to ring the doorbell, accept your fate…or are you going to run away again?"

"No."

"No? No what?"

_'I can't run anymore_

_I fall before you_

_Here I am_

_I have nothing left'_

"So you're going to accept it? You're not going to make it harder than it already is?" Scepticism.

"No. I'm not. I still don't want to die. I guess it's the coward in me again, but I'm too afraid to die."

"You're going to."

The blonde slumps down against the wall. Stares up into the eyes of the gun-wielder. Said threat gazes into the face of the victim. Sees pain. Betrayal. Fear. Disbelief. Other things that can't be understood.

"You're still in denial, then."**__**

****

****

_'Though I've tried to forget_

_You're all that I am'_

A derisive snort. "I mean nothing to you. Maybe I did once, but I certainly don't now."

"You do. You mean everything. He meant something to me, too. He still does. But you're the only one left here with me that matters."

"Well, you should be happy now. Now you can be with him, since he obviously means so much more to you than I do."

"Don't say that."

"It's true."

"Please."

"What now?"

'Take me home I'm through fighting it' A hand stretches out toward the brunette. Begging. Pleading. The brunette turns away. 

"I need you."

"And I need you. And yet…I don't. I don't need you. And you know what I do with that which I don't need."

"Discard it."

"Yes."

'Broken

  
Lifeless

  
I give up

You're my only strength

  
Without you  
  


I can't go on  
  


Anymore  
  


Ever again'

"That's good."

"Good?" Disbelieving. "How is it good?"

"You won't fight very much."

Pure astonishment. "How—how can you be so harsh?"

"Easily. It's imprinted in my brain."

But I'm different from all the others. I'm different, and you know it. I can't be discarded. I'll never leave you. You won't accomplish anything by this."

"I don't care at this point. All I care about is knowing that the murderer of the light of my life is dead."

"What about me? Gods, don't I…don't I count for anything? Don't I matter?"

Another heavy sigh. "Of course you matter to me. You're all I have left. But I know I don't mean as much to you."

"Gods, how can you say that? Of course, of course you do. You mean all that and more. The memory of you is all that keeps me going. The only reason I keep living. I'm scared of dying, yes, but I'm even more scared of living without you."

"Yeah right." Derisive, contemptuous. Biting. "Prove it."

_'__My only hope_

_  
My only peace_

My only joy  
  


My only strength  
  


My only power  
  


My only life  
  


My only love'

"As if. You'll never learn, will you? You're still running. Running to your lies, and hiding behind their safety. But this time, the safety's gone."

"I'm not running. If I was running, I'd be an eternity away from here by now. In your arms."

"How poetic. You know, you're really good at this song writing thing."

'I can't run anymore

  
I give myself to you'

Another click. This time, the safety on the gun.

"Please don't do this."

"I still haven't heard any reason not to."

"I give myself to you. What are you going to do with me, now that you have me?"

"That's not a reason."

"You want a reason? I'll give you one."

"Let's hear it. God knows I don't want to have to do this."

"You won't like it."

"Tell me." The blonde's head slumps down, not wishing to see the look on the listener's face.

'I'm sorry'

The gun lowers. The blonde looks into the face of the brunette. Repeats the sung phrase.

'I'm sorry'

Tears. Falling from the icy blue eyes, hitting the ground, getting lost among the dust and grime.

"What are you even sorry for? I'll bet you don't even know, do you? You're just saying what I want so desperately to hear." Bitterness and anger…but not animosity, not hatred. 

'Maybe there's still a chance.'

"I knew it. You don't know. You have no idea what it's like."

'In all my bitterness

I forgot all that's real and true

All I need is you'

The brunette chuckles ironically. "So you keep saying."

"It's true. You and I both know it."

"…I do. I know it." The blonde is surprised.

"You know how stubborn I am."

The brunette's turn to be surprised. "What does that have to do with anything?"

'When night falls on me

  
I'll not close my eyes'

Another ironic chuckle. "Oh, I see. I could embed this bullet in your heart, but you'd still refuse to die. Well, you'll have to tell the bullet." The words come out strained, as if the brunette is trying not to cry.

"All the same, I won't die. I'm immortal. We both are."

"I think not. I got a bullet in the chest myself once, remember? Missed my heart by millimetres. I think any illusions I might have had of immortality died that night, almost along with my life."

"But you survived, didn't you? Why do you think that was?"

The brunette is staggered. "I don't know. The modern miracle of science, I suppose. What are you getting at?"

"You survived because I prayed for you."

"_What?!_"

"You heard me. That's what we mean, love. We mean immortality. We _are_ immortality. As long as we love each other, we can never die."

"What force could possibly stop death?"

"Love."

Quiet laughter. Sardonic. "So much like Yuugi. But like _his_ words, _yours_ will have no effect. I stopped believing in love…two months ago today."

"Two months ago today?"

"Yes. It's the anniversary. If you go by months. He died two months ago today. That's why I brought you here today. I brought you here so I could kill you. So I could kill my killer, the bringer of all my pain. Because I know I can never love him , never did love him, because love doesn't exist."

"That hurts."

"That's the point."

"But it's not true."

"Why not?"

"If love's not real, then what did _he_ mean to you? Nothing?"

"Of course he meant something. He meant _everything_. But whatever I felt, it wasn't love."

That's not true either. What's true is that I won't die. I can't."

"Emotion can't stop a moving object. It…doesn't matter how strong the emotion is."

"I will not die."

"Why?"

_'__I'm too alive_

  
And you're too strong'

"You're lying again. I'm not strong. I'd still be _alive_ if I were strong. I wouldn't need to know that his killer was dead, just to _survive_. Day to day."

'I can't lie anymore

  
I fall down before you'

"Tell me again."

"Tell you what?" Inquisitive, curious, yet cautious, stepping carefully through a minefield that might explode with one misstep.

"I need to hear it again. I need to hear that you didn't want to. I need to hear that you…didn't mean to hurt me like this."

'I'm sorry

I'm sorry'

"Thank you. I needed to hear that. Do you remember…do you remember when we first met?

"Of course. I'll carry that memory with me for the rest of my life. And afterward."

"I was afraid. Afraid of you, of what you could do. Of what you could make me do. I've…never had good experiences being under someone else's power. Until now. But even that turned sour, didn't it, my koibito?" Cringe.

The blonde begins to sing again, the chorus of the song. This time, the brunette is ready, adding pieces of another life, another experience, to the song of two lives, of three.

'My only hope

  
(All the times I've tried)   
  


My only peace

  
(To walk away from you)  
  


My only joy

  
My only strength  
  


(I fall into your abounding grace)  
  


My only power

My only life  
  


(And love is where I am)  
  


My only love'

A bitter chuckle at the bitter irony of the words. "You should have come back to me. You should have come back, and loved me the way I needed to be loved at that moment. You…you should have been there when I read the article in the paper. I wouldn't have killed you then. I would have cried with you. If you had…been with me, I wouldn't have to do this."

"I know."

"Then why?"

'Constantly ignoring

The pain consuming me'

"The gang saw it too, you know. The pain. They tried to comfort me. They're not heartless."

"Just killers."

"You don't understand. You never will understand. Gangs are…very efficient at removing obstacles."

"How, exactly, was he an obstacle?"

"Think about it, love. He's related to the most successful businessman in the country. They don't like businessmen. They're bitter about all that money. They know how much you love him. Think of the money. They could break you and get their hands on all that money, all at the same time. All it took was one well-shot bullet."

"A bullet that killed me, even though I was miles away when it was shot. I was miles away from where I should have been when he died."

"He didn't suffer. It was quick."

"AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO COMFORT ME, IS IT?!"

"They wanted to torture him, but I wouldn't let them. It was quick." Desperate.

"Then he didn't see who shot him, either?"

"…"

"…Did he?"

"…"

"Dear God."

"Please. He didn't suffer."

This time the brunette sang. Stood up, pure hatred burning like blue fire in even bluer eyes. Venom lacing every word.

'But this time it's cut too deep' 

"Time heals all wounds. Except the fatal ones. Please, I don't want to die. Not now. Not like this."

"He didn't want to die either. He was so full of life."

'I'll never stray again' 

"Damn right you won't."

"I need you. You need me. We belong to each other."

"Not anymore, we don't."

_'__My only hope  
  
My only peace_

  
My only joy  
  


_My only strength  
  
My only power  
  
_

_My only life  
  
My only love  
  
_

_My only hope  
  
My only peace_

_  
My only joy_

_My only strength  
  
My only power  
  
_

My only life  
  
My only love'

"You are just a liar to the core. This crap about how he 'didn't suffer' just proves it. You bastard. He loved you. He loved you just as much as I do. It was a different kind of love from ours, but it was just as strong. And here you are, telling me he didn't suffer from that betrayal. He didn't even get an explanation, did he? He died by being shot in the head by one of his best friends, with no explanation whatsoever."

"There was no time."

"No time?"

"They would have tortured him. They wouldn't have waited any longer."

"Isn't it ironic? He had no time, and now you have no time. Now for the last time, goodbye."

"Wait! Dear God, please wait!"

"Wait for what?"

The dark brown eyes raise. Tears. Disbelief. Terror. Somehow the eyes are begging, begging for…something. The fire in the blue eyes dies, put out by the ice. The ice disappears, melted into tears by the fire. The brunette falls to the ground, into the arms of the one that was supposed to die. Weeping.

"It's not supposed to be like this."

"Like what?"

"You aren't supposed to be comforting me. You're supposed to be dead. The killer is supposed to be dead."

"I know. It's all wrong. Everything's all wrong. But that's the way it's worked out.

"No."

"No?"

"No. I can't allow this. I can't. You need to go now."

"Please, I don't want to. Please."

"Too bad."

"Please."

An itch, a thought at the back of the brain. The inexplicable certainty that this time, the blonde is talking about something else.

"What is it?"

"Please, I'm afraid. Help me not to be afraid. I don't want to lose you. Help me."

Sigh. The brunette shifts positions, so that the blonde is on top, in the arms of the one the love the blonde needs. "Of course, my love. Of course."

"Thank you," the blonde murmurs. The brunette starts to sing again, this time a lullaby of sorts. The voice is just as rich and powerful as the blonde's, but deeper.

'Lay down your sweet and weary head

  
Night is falling  
  


You have come to journey's end  
  


Sleep now, and dream of the ones who came before  
  


They are calling from across the distant shore  
  
Why do you weep?  
  


What are these tears upon your face?  
  


Soon you will see  
  


All of your fears will pass away  
  


Safe in my arms  
  


You're only sleeping  
  


What can you see on the horizon?  
  


Why do the white gulls call?  
  


Across the sea, a pale moon rises  
  


The ships have come to carry you home  
  
And all will turn to silver glass  
  


A light on the water  
  


All Souls pass  
  
Hope fades into the world of night  
  


Through shadows falling out of memory and time  
  


Don't say we have come now to the end  
  


White shores are calling  
  


You and I will meet again  
  


And you'll be here in my arms  
  


Just sleeping  
  
What can you see on the horizon?  
  


Why do the white gulls call?  
  


Across the sea, a pale moon rises  
  


The ships have come to carry you home  
  
And all will turn To silver glass  
  


A light on the water  
  


Grey ships pass into the West'

BANG!

Phew! Man, did I ever work hard on this one! It's…long. So, what do you think? Hate it? Love it? Tell me! I live on feedback. Who doesn't? And if you like this story, please go read my other ones! I haven't actually gotten any feedback in…three months. Since October. Third. I'M DYING HERE, PEOPLES!!!!!!!! Ahem. Anyways. I rather like this one. Actually, I love it! It's rather different from what I usually write, in terms of writing style.

Oh, and I'm thinking of writing a short second chapter. If you want a bit more detail, review and tell me! If you don't, review and tell me! The second chapter will take place in the same place as this chapter.

And can someone please review and tell me what the restrictions are on songfics on fp.n? I'm thinking of uploading this one there (note how careful I was to not mention who it was in the story), but I'm not sure it will pass.

I'll bet you can all guess who the three people in the fic were, but I'll ask you to tell me anyways ^__^

Oh yeah, the disclaimer. Do pigs fly? No. Am I married to the richest man in Japan? No. Will Tori ever stop trying to steal my boyfriends (namely, Ryou and Bakura) out from under my nose? Probably not. Therefore, do I own Yugioh? Nope. I also don't own 'Exodus' or 'October'. Those are by Evanescence. If you don't know who that is, you've been living under a rock. But you may not know these songs. These are from their earlier CD's. I STRONGLY suggest downloading these songs (don't kill me, that's literally the only way to get your hands on them, and for some reason Amy Lee doesn't like them, and so she apparently doesn't care). Oh yeah, you might want to go buy 'Origin' rather than download it, although it costs about $80. Btw, I also don't own the song 'Into the West'. That's written by Howard Shore and sung by Annie Lennox on the Return of the King soundtrack.

Please keep a lookout for my upcoming one- or two-shot, centred around the adorable, yet angst-ridden, Ryou! It'll be a songfic to 'Lies' by Evanescence. I would VERY STRONGLY suggest getting your hands on the song before reading the fic, though. Otherwise it's impossible to convey the sheer power I'm trying to put into words. You really can't have any idea what I'm talking about until you've heard the song. Anyway, I'll probably start (an maybe even finish) that tomorrow, so keep a lookout! 

Ciao!

CaRoLyN CsOjHv


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